ended a thing. hope i didn’t lose a friend doing so. it’s for the best, we weren’t happy. it would’ve been worse to prolong it. would’ve been worse.
Let’s see… things are getting better, slowly but surely. Had a couple of job interviews this week, one even seemed promising. Cutting back significantly on my tobacco consumption (think 5-6 cigarettes a day as opposed to a pack a day) and haven’t touched alcohol in like two weeks. Feeling pretty good, eating regularly. Just got to keep on keeping on the path to recovery and do my level best to keep taking care of myself. Still uncomfortable with how skinny I got, but I’m starting to gain the weight back, just a little at a time. Going to meetings regularly. Twice a week, no excuses. Listening to a lot of Willie Nelson, not sure if that’s relevant. Fixing this cracked relationship TBD. Had a few long, unpleasant talks with myself that I haven’t had in a while, but need to more often. It’s important to keep yourself in check. Worried about the anniversaries coming up. The big death days, or at least the two biggest ones for me. I have a lot of death anniversaries to remember now, but the two at the beginning of the year are the significant ones. Something to talk to the counselor about. Think that’s it for now, will update as the days progress.
On actual New Year’s Eve/Day, I was entirely too depressed and shattered to make any resolutions or even really think about what I wanted to do differently this year, but I’m taking advantage of this optimistic clarity I woke up with to make a plan for 2017. I’m putting a renewed focus on my recovery and getting to the root of my addictive behaviors and personality so I can keep these parts of me under control and stop letting them screw up my life. I am also planning to move out of the city (fortunately, that was already the plan and I started saving before the shit hit the fan) and start to set up a life away from the clatter and clutter of it. I’ve never liked urban/suburban living, my nerves can’t handle it. The major major resolution is to not let myself get complacent in my self-care. NA meetings twice a week, no excuses (barring severe illness or injury,) eating healthier, exercising regularly (not too excessively, my left leg and lower back have some not insignificant damage because I got injured and didn’t let them heal when I was younger,) continuing counseling for the foreseeable future, getting a handle on my physical and mental health, possibly getting back on antidepressants, quitting smoking, etc. so that I can be the best father and partner I can be. The other big one is to give back to the community as best as I can. Be a support for other recovering addicts/alcoholics, give to charity, start volunteering again. I’m ready. 2017, let’s do this.
This is so weird. I woke up this morning feeling GOOD. Like, really good. I’ve been cleaning (never happens,) I’m gonna go to a meeting. Got a job interview on Tuesday. Starting to forgive myself for a lot of things that I won’t get into. This feels like healing. Real healing, and I can only hope it lasts. Made a list of things to do every day for self-care and maintenance purposes, just to carry with me and check when I start to beat myself up.
“name things you’re grateful for”
“name 5 reasons to get up in the morning”
“brush your teeth”
“make some art”
“remember that you are not alone”
“remember that you are loved”
“don’t forget to breathe”
“look at the picture of your son in your wallet”
“find beauty in the world around you”
“be nice to people”
“smile, even if you’re sad”
“don’t forget that it’s okay to get sad. you’ll be okay”
“tell your mom you love her”
“cry if you need to. it doesn’t mean you’re weak”
went to couples’ counseling this morning. still drained. goodnight.